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Sexual Addiction is a 'Secret' Disorder

Kimora

Many people don't know what sexual addiction is. Some people even deny that it exists. However, from my work as a prison educator and an adjunct associate professor at John Jay College, it is clear to me that sexual addiction not only does exist, but that it has destructive potentials, just as drug addiction does.

Patrick Carnes, in Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction (New York: Bantam, 1991), says that sexual addiction is a "secret" disorder that can wreak havoc in the areas of jobs, finances, family, and health. Carnes is one of the leading professional experts on sexual addiction, and for the last ten years I have designed courses on intimacy and sexuality based on his work. There is no doubt that education can help people overcome sexual addiction, and I have seen the wonderful results in my classes and seminars that tackle this subject. Carnes identifies ten indicators of sexual addiction:

1. A pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior: Sexual abuse, and the violence that accompanies that, is out-of-control sexual behavior. The person is definitely giving up their self-respect.

2. Severe consequences due to sexual behavior: Sexually-transmittable diseases are a severe consequence due to sexual behavior. Additionally, I have seen addicts lose the rights to their children, lose their marriages or relationships, as lose their jobs because they are enmeshed in countless affairs. It is not a pretty picture.

3. Inability to stop despite adverse consequences: Sex addicts let addiction run their lives - suddenly, they have lost control of their life. The person will know the adverse consequences of unsafe sex, for example, but will continue with their behavior.

4. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high-risk behavior: Here is another pattern in any form of addiction: The person doesn't stop the destructive behavior AND he or she actually pursues self-destructive or high-risk sexual behavior. If you have ever seen an addict in this stage, you feel helpless.

5. Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior: Addicts like to tell you that THIS TIME they will quit the behavior. Of course, they don't quit. By temporarily abstaining from sex, I have seen clients become more obsessed with destructive sexual behavior.

6. Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy: As Dr. Carnes reports, "Planning, thinking, searching, intriguing, and looking for opportunity become a way to get through each day. Sexual addiction presents special difficulties both diagnostically and in treatment, since the addict can escape into an altered state simply through obsession and fantasy." In addition, Carnes states that "Sex addicts use their sexuality as a medication for sleep, anxiety, pain, and family and life problems."

7. Increasing amounts of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficient: When I work with drug addicts, I realize that more and more drugs are needed to maintain the same level of relief. The same logic holds for a sex addict. I have seen marriages destroyed by people who have affairs or become consumed by pornography.

8. Severe mood changes around sexual activity: People who are involved in sexual addiction will withdraw from other people out of guilt. Since the person is an addict, their emotions fluctuate wildly. Therapists talk about the "roller coaster effect." Shame is a large component of sex addiction. Shame causes anger.

9. Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience: Sex addicts get obsessed about sex. They live and breathe sex. Sex runs their life. In addition, sex addicts have to deal with some of the problems that go with being sex addicts: loss of money, loss of relationships, loss of a healthy lifestyle, loss of self-respect.

10. Neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior: I have seen sex addicts lose it all: family, friends, hobbies, and careers, all because of their addiction to sex. Shame takes over the life of the sex addict. I have known people lose important promotions in life due to their sexual obsession.

If these are the signs of addiction, then what is a healthy sexuality? Carnes defines it as that which: adds to self-esteem; has no victims; deepens meaning; uses vulnerability for excitement; cultivates the sense of being an adult; furthers one's sense of self; expands reality; relies on safety; is mutual and intimate; takes responsibility for needs; may bring legitimate suffering; originates in integrity; presents challenges; integrates most authentic parts of self; is fun and playful; and accepts the imperfect.

As Carnes points out, each person must discover what healthy sexuality means to him- or herself. Addicts can "begin by looking at their own abstinence list and thinking about what did not work for them. A focus list then becomes an addict's first effort to articulate sexual health. This list doesn't just address sexual health, however. Addicts need to include all the ways they are going to nurture themselves back to health." I urge those of you who are interested in this subject to view the focus list (which begins on page 256) of the Carnes' text. The section emphasizes that sexual sobriety is the beginning of change. Change is integral if the person is to get control of their lives so that relationships can be rebuilt and family bonds can be restored.

I want to urge everyone to learn more about sexual addiction. It does exist, and is powerful, as all addictions are. I always tell my students and clients that it is so vital that THEY be in control of their lives. That will not happen if sex is running their lives.

For further reading see also: Carnes, Patrick. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1997).

Dr. Kimora is a prison reformer/prison educator who is also an adjunct assistant professor of criminal justice at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, NYC. She has designed and taught courses on intimacy and sexuality for inmates, clients, and students. Feel free to contact her at kimora@jjay.cuny.edu.