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May 14, 2004

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Loose a Student in 10 Steps

Safinaz Saleh

Imagine:

The new EO of a respectable graduate department calls an emergency staff meeting. As the staff members step into the room, the EO begins to explain the reason for the meeting, saying, “We have a new and original mission. We want to cleanse the department of its students. So we all need to brainstorm about the most effective ways to drive students out of the department. By so doing, we want to set a precedent among all educational institutions, and establish my reign.”

The staff then starts thinking of ways to accomplish that mission. They come up with ten easy steps:

1. Disrespect students. Deal with them as though they were slaves. Never listen to them. If a student asks to see the EO, the assistant should say, “The EO cannot meet with you. She/He is too busy finding ways to kick you out.” If you must meet with them face to face, make sure to be as disrespectful as possible— they won’t be coming back!

2. Encroach on the privacy of students. Intrude into channels of communication designated as students-only, then claim ignorance and apologize when caught.

3. Get rid of student facilities, and don’t bother informing the student body. When asked for an explanation say, “There is no budget for phones or anything else.” In fact, make sure that you repeat the budget mantra as often as possible: “There is no money, no money, no money.” Then, feel free to allocate available monies any way you see fit, although you might consider establishing a “committee” to put a democratic spin on it. But make sure no students have the right to vote.

4. Change policies of the old administration unilaterally. Doing this will effectively destroy students’ plans. But, make sure that your new policies privilege some sections of the student body, for example the new, incoming students. To do this you’ll need to build a docile support base for yourself. Make sure to cut off ALL (not just some, but ALL) financial aid to established students—they are not easily manipulated, almost on their way out and will certainly find a way to pay tuition, or quit the program. Whatever.

5. When a student sets off to form a committee for the second exam, make his/her life miserable. Cross out the faculty choices the student made. Erect obstacles every step of the way.

6. If a student applies for transfer credits, refuse - even if the university policy allows for credits to be accepted from outside the CUNY system. Just say no.

7. But if it is to the students’ disadvantage to calculate GPA by including those credits, count them. Do this even if the credits are not transferred (see point 8). This is especially handy if a student has applied for an award, because these grades will push their GPA below the cut-off point and allow us to turn them down.

8. Appear as though you want to help students by giving them jobs. Exploit the students to the max. No need to pay mere slaves. If they question you, you can always fire them. Say, “Your work is crap. Just get out.” If the student demands to be paid for their time, threaten to write an official letter saying, “You are fired because you are bad worker.” Try to find a way to control students’ entire professional life—try to control how and where they find employment and consider making phone calls to their employer to get them fired when you deem their academic progress unsatisfactory.

9. If the prior administration gave awards to students, and informed them verbally of those awards, do not honor those decisions. Tell the administrative assistant of the old EO to hold on the award sheet and never to send out letters until the new EO starts his or her term. As an excuse for not honoring these agreements, say, “The old administration was awfully corrupt.” Do not mention that you also worked for the old administration.

10. If the old administration established a summer program in a developing country that has been going on for years, cancel it. The last students to take that program, who paid for it, and did all the work load necessary for the program, can be denied the credits that were part of the deal.

The speaker continues: “If we take all those actions, we can be sure to rid our department of most students, especially poor or struggling minority students. Mission accomplished! Meeting adjourned.”
As I look around me, to see if I am the only one shocked by what I am hearing, I see only that my fellow students are not there. The room is full of androids, nodding in appreciation. I saw no expressions on their pale faces. Where was I? This was not the public school I applied for, where minority students—less economically advantaged but bright—were trying to realize their dreams through hard work, dedication and passion. This was just a farm in some spaced-out galaxy that was producing hundreds of thousands of docile, uncritical minds ready to serve and take over the planet Earth. I couldn’t catch my breath… I wanted to run, but I couldn’t move… I felt immobile... Then suddenly, a wave of images and energy came over me, I opened my eyes… I realized it was just a dream, just a horrendous dream.
Or was it???

Safinaz Saleh is a student in the PhD program in Political Science.