Heil to the Gubernato

Tony Monchinski

In olden days, the excitement was palpable when the circus pulled into town. Replete with a cast of characters including a strong man, a dwarf and a saucy temptress, townsfolk could look forward to several nights of exotic entertainment. A similar spectacle of the absurd unfolded with the imbroglio of the California recall election. This time Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman and porn star Mary Cary, among others, vied for votersÕ attention.

Before the recall, I was adamant that Arnold Schwarzenegger not be allowed to win. I voiced my opprobrium as something of a fan. ArnoldÕs accomplishments in bodybuilding led me to start lifting weights years ago. His action movies entertained me in my pubescent years. But the Austrian Oak (his bodybuilding moniker) bears a closet full of skeletons to match his once prodigious physique.

The mythos surrounding Schwarzenegger is almost as gripping as the reality. The little boy from Gras, Austria who, deciding he would be the greatest bodybuilder in the world and a film star, pulled himself up by his own boot straps and made it in the land of opportunity, marrying into the Kennedy clan. But that little boyÕs father, Gustav, was a volunteer with the Nazi storm troopers (Sturmabteilung, or SA), as chronicled in the unauthorized biography of Schwarzenegger by Wendy Leigh.

Sons shouldnÕt be held accountable for the sins of their fathers, but Arnold begs the question by retaining ties to those associated with the Nazi party. For instance, he is close friends with Nazi war criminal, former secretary general of the United Nations and past president of Austria, Kurt Waldheim. (I know, youÕre probably shaking your head: a Nazi war criminal, head of the UN? Just remember that Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize). When Arnold and Maria Shriver married, Waldheim was not permitted to attend. His name was among those on a US Justice Department list denying entry to foreigners who had participated in persecution during World War II. Kurt sent a gift in absentia, a statue of Arnold in lederhosen, prompting the Oak to declare to the press: ÒI love him and Maria does tooÉÓ Arnold and Kurt were last seen chumming it up at the 1998 second inauguration of Thomas Klestil, AustriaÕs then-president, where the Oak and the Nazi sat side by side.

When his campaign was announced, Rob Lowe, a Òvery good friend,Ó was dragged out as a celebrity endorser for Schwarzenegger. You may remember Lowe as the cinematographer of a sex video that included a 16 year-old girl he picked up at the 1988 Democratic National Convention. Sex videos of Arnold have not surfaced but there is a surfeit of salacious tales surrounding the Oak, most from his own mouth. Once in GoldÕs Gym in California, ÒÉ there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together.Ó Not everyone present took part in the gang bang, Schwarzenegger told a reporter in a Oui magazine interview in 1977: ÒÉ just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys. Not everybody can do that. Some think they donÕt have a big enough cock, so they canÕt get a hard-on.Ó Schwarzenegger is nothing if not self-confident.

HeÕs also inclusive. ÒI can look at a chick whoÕs a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I wonÕt hesitate to date her. If sheÕs a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I donÕt care.Ó An equal opportunity male chauvinist, Arnold favors domestic partnerships but not gay marriage. Arnie empathizes with the gay community. ÒGay people are fighting the same kind of stereotyping that bodybuilders are: People have certain misconceptions about them just as they do about us. Well, I have absolutely no hang-ups about the fag business.Ó ThatÕs good, because Arnie supported himself in part in his early days by posing nude for photographs and private muscle worship sessions paid for by wealthy gay men.

Arnold was born in a foreign country but that hasnÕt stopped him from embracing American customs and holidays. ÒI love Thanksgiving. ItÕs the only time in Los Angeles that you can see natural breasts.Ó The inimitable Arnie also understands American politics. ÒItÕs the golden rule,Ó he once remarked to fellow bodybuilder Steve Michalik. ÒHe who has the gold, rules.Ó

Some may dismiss Arnold as droll, just a little bit ribald, and seriously consider this guyÕs political future tenable. But consider this: for many years Arnold was in charge of the PresidentÕs Council on Fitness, where he supervised health programs for children. Now, in Pumping Iron, where he is pumped up from steroids and puffing on a joint, Arnie states, ÒHaving a pump is like having great sexÉ. Each time I get a pump, itÕs great. I feel like IÕm coming all day.Ó Forget Michael Jackson. Do we really want a guy who claims to achieve sexual climax during workouts exercising with our children?

ÒI havenÕt lived my life to be a politician,Ó Arnold announced in the understatement of the year. In ArnieÕs opinion, what would recommend his latest Terminator film to fans? ÒHow many times do you get away with taking a woman and burying her face in a toilet bowl?Ó Was that just the puerile Mr. Would-be Governor of California voicing some innocuous fun? You know: boys will be boys. If so, was his comment to Arianna Huffington at the recent televised debateÑÒI would just like to say that I just realized I have a perfect part for you in Terminator 4ÓÑmeant to mollify? As the hubbub surrounding the three ring circus otherwise known as the recall election subsides, we are left only with ArnoldÕs reply in Conan the Barbarian when asked what is best in life: ÒTo crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.Ó